What does it feel like to lose a child?

What does it feel like to lose a child? It feels like giving birth, but instead of bringing a child into this world, it is the giving of the child to whatever is beyond this world. And instead of a single event, it happens again and again and again. It hijacks you in the middle of a concert, or while listening to a lecture, or while driving to the grocery store. First you realize that it is harder and harder to catch your breath, and a vague panic sets in as your body takes over and you recede as an observer to a process that you cannot stop. Then the pains begin, waves of contractions, intensifying, then receding just long enough so you can gasp at the air before they come again. Then as they circle in, more and more intense, there is the need to bear down, to push and push, and to grit your teeth against the screams that will not be stopped, but grow louder and louder, til there is no voice left. It only comes to a close when exhaustion sets in. But it will come again. It comes unbidden, without thought, and keeps me always in this middle place, between worlds, never wholly here nor there. 'Stayed by what was, and pulled by what would be'. That is what it is like.